To my friend Ben Maggos, who left us entirely too soon
'ello Ben. I guess this is my way of coping with the fact that never again in my life will I be able to talk to you. But maybe they have internet service where you are now, and maybe my words will somehow reach you this way :-)
It's hard to deal with the fact you are gone. You weren't supposed to leave yet - we had so many projects to work on together - make new and exciting things, perhaps change the world at least a little for the better, but more importantly have a tremendous amount of fun doing it...
But yesterday I found out that I will never get to work with you again... or play pool, watch movies, talk about things that matter and things that don't. I'll miss that, Ben. I'll miss not catching you hanging off doorways, I'll miss giving you crap about beeing too cheerful, I'll miss all of that...
I have to say that yesterday was quite an emotional roller-coaster. I felt dumbfoundedness, sadness, agony, envy, denial, happiness, anger, fear... I'm still on that roller-coaster, but I think I'm getting used to it a little bit. I wonder how you felt, what your roller-coaster was like... I remeber that time in Vibeke's class, when you decided to open up your beliefs to us, and we all playfully pounced on you :-) Well, now you know what happens, if knowing can be a part of it. And I'm sure, if there was any evaluation involved, that you passed with flying colors.
We all miss you, so much. Apparently, no one was able to sleep very well last night. I dreamt about waves again, the kind that threaten to drown... But I held on, and they passed. Were you there with me? I can't remeber. I was hoping I would see you in my dreams, if that's the only way to see you now.
It was hard telling people yesterday about you. AJ put her foot right in it when I saw her at the M.F.A. show after-party - the show we were supposed to go see together, and I laughed histerically when I realized how perfect your excuse was... Anyway, at the party, as I walked up AJ saw me and said "Hey Stjepan! Where's Ben?" I tried to be poetic about it... "Well, due to various circumstances, that is a really good question. And, there is a really good reason why I'm wearing black. And Ben had a perfectly good excuse for not coming to see the show on Saturday." Of course, that never works... "He died, AJ."
I don't like saying that... I like thinking that you moved somewhere else. Some place people don't move back from, like Hawaii or something. But maybe I'll get to move there some day too, and we can hang out again. Maybe watch some movies... I still sometimes think how this is some elaborate plan to get poeple to come to the AME movie nights. How you said last time, "What do we need to do to get people to come?" :-)
Well, wrote all this in my thoughts in the last two days, and in them I wrote so much more, and I will keep writing, perhehaps forever, but I think I will stop here, for now. But you will always be in my heart, and you will be a part of everything that I create. I have learned a lot from you, and am glad to know you, and that you are my friend. Perhaps, in a way, we can finish the projects we started, and talked of, and maybe some new ones, together.
Well, I guess that's all I have for now, Ben. Thanks for everything. I'll see you around.
It's hard to deal with the fact you are gone. You weren't supposed to leave yet - we had so many projects to work on together - make new and exciting things, perhaps change the world at least a little for the better, but more importantly have a tremendous amount of fun doing it...
But yesterday I found out that I will never get to work with you again... or play pool, watch movies, talk about things that matter and things that don't. I'll miss that, Ben. I'll miss not catching you hanging off doorways, I'll miss giving you crap about beeing too cheerful, I'll miss all of that...
I have to say that yesterday was quite an emotional roller-coaster. I felt dumbfoundedness, sadness, agony, envy, denial, happiness, anger, fear... I'm still on that roller-coaster, but I think I'm getting used to it a little bit. I wonder how you felt, what your roller-coaster was like... I remeber that time in Vibeke's class, when you decided to open up your beliefs to us, and we all playfully pounced on you :-) Well, now you know what happens, if knowing can be a part of it. And I'm sure, if there was any evaluation involved, that you passed with flying colors.
We all miss you, so much. Apparently, no one was able to sleep very well last night. I dreamt about waves again, the kind that threaten to drown... But I held on, and they passed. Were you there with me? I can't remeber. I was hoping I would see you in my dreams, if that's the only way to see you now.
It was hard telling people yesterday about you. AJ put her foot right in it when I saw her at the M.F.A. show after-party - the show we were supposed to go see together, and I laughed histerically when I realized how perfect your excuse was... Anyway, at the party, as I walked up AJ saw me and said "Hey Stjepan! Where's Ben?" I tried to be poetic about it... "Well, due to various circumstances, that is a really good question. And, there is a really good reason why I'm wearing black. And Ben had a perfectly good excuse for not coming to see the show on Saturday." Of course, that never works... "He died, AJ."
I don't like saying that... I like thinking that you moved somewhere else. Some place people don't move back from, like Hawaii or something. But maybe I'll get to move there some day too, and we can hang out again. Maybe watch some movies... I still sometimes think how this is some elaborate plan to get poeple to come to the AME movie nights. How you said last time, "What do we need to do to get people to come?" :-)
Well, wrote all this in my thoughts in the last two days, and in them I wrote so much more, and I will keep writing, perhehaps forever, but I think I will stop here, for now. But you will always be in my heart, and you will be a part of everything that I create. I have learned a lot from you, and am glad to know you, and that you are my friend. Perhaps, in a way, we can finish the projects we started, and talked of, and maybe some new ones, together.
Well, I guess that's all I have for now, Ben. Thanks for everything. I'll see you around.
posted by Stjepan at 6:32 PM
23 Comments:
Sniff, sniff.
hey he was amazing wasnt he - he was like a brother to me, im holly from england and i want to honour the life of ben maggos as well because he actually was the most amazing guy ever
ben i love you x x
Ben was indeed a truly amazing guy. i'm glad you had the privilege of knowing him too. he knew how to live life to the full. he crammed so much in to his life. he knew the meaning of the phrase 'carpe deum'(however it should be spelt!) - seize the day. life is to be lived, ben knew how to do that well. we miss him so much, but are comforted by the fact that we will see him again in Heaven.
Alison, England
It's hard to figure out what to say to you, Ben...I will miss our many talks geared towards solving the world's problems, one person at a time. I'll miss our sometimes heated debates when you inspired me to fight to hear what you were saying, instead of just fighting to get my own words across. You were a true young romantic poet. I remember the first time you showed me a picture of your beautiful Faith last Fall...her picture was on your cell phone, and you presented it to me as though it might have been the Grail itself, your face shining, your eyes lit, beaming a grin like a star-struck Renaissance lover. And I thought...this boy is GONE for this girl...borderline goofball...and I remember our many conversations about love, and marriage, and art following that day.
One of our last conversations was about your New Year's Eve...eating a taco or something with your best girl under an awning in the pouring rain..."nothing fancy" you said...but just your style. That weekend you were off to surprise her with a visit. I heard from Stjepan today that Faith called him after reading his touching message to Ben...if you read this, Faith...there's a substantial group in Tempe who've never met you but feel like we know you...or, at least, we know Ben's reports...and apparently you are the best girl in the world. He talked about marrying you...did you know?
Ben's family meant so much to him, too...it was apparent even in his class projects when he talked about life (and its adventures) in England and Morocco, (we all heard the story about Ben's dad allowing him to spend his own money in some kind of crazed auction scheme in England, and the lessons he learned from that experience...he went into detail in front of our class about what he had learned, and how much he valued the wisdom of his dad for letting him go through with it...). He was so inspired by his family...he was clearly loved so much, as much as he loved others.
Brilliant, kind, generous, and always gentle Ben. I'll miss your laughter, your wit, and your bright bright mind and spirit. Thank you for taking the time to tell me I am your friend, while we sat for an impromptu in-depth talk as we often did in a nearly deserted Matthews center...(this time outside of the student lab at the end of last semester). You are my friend, too. We'll miss you around our campfire...and hope to see you again...
Stjepan - what an awesome piece. The beauty of all this is that I am constantly discovering things about him that I never knew. As his brother-in-law, I only saw him when he was home, so I missed seeing him "in his element" - i.e. with artists and philosophers (if you'll forgive the blanket description). As a charlatan artist and a failed philosopher myself, it hurts me all the more to see him leave this life.
Stjepan, Finally found your blog! Read your piece and AJ's. He was rather amazing, wasn't he? I didn't know him that well, I guess. Not as much as you guys did. I would have liked to though. And I wish we'd gotten to play tennis that day - I would have enjoyed that.
Thanks to everyone for posting comments! It is very nice to read all the stories and thoughts about Ben...
Members of a class that Ben was a part of last semester are working on starting an on-line memorial to Ben, a place where everyone could post memories, pictures, and whatever else can be contributed to help us learn more about Ben from each other, and keep him close to our hearts.
As soon as we have it ready, I will post a link to it here. I'll also make sure all the content on this page gets transferred (if you'd prefer I don't, please let me know).
The online memorial to the life of Ben Maggos has been set up at http://www.newalexandria.org/4ben/. I copied this page over, and added some more entries to get things started. Please feel free to browse or add more content!
My name is Erin, I am a friend of Ben from UCSD, and I was just told today of his passing by his father. I want to say that I have alot of respect and admiration for the type of character Ben presented in his life. We didnt hang out on a frequent basis, but every time we hung out, we really clicked well. Ben was a truly good person (intelligent, caring, friendly, ambitious). I hope the memory of Ben will inspire the people who knew him to remember his qualities as a person and how they genuinely touched peoples' hearts. I am really glad that I got to know you Ben, I will always remember our friendship.
-Erin
hello you guys most likely have no idea who i am! but i found your emails and stuff about ben. ben was my cousin, i didn't get to see him very much but when i did he was always great to talk 2! it really sucks because the last time i saw him i was little probably about 3 or 4! that was when he moved! my brother matt maggos was always good friends with him. and they were over at my house alot! i am glad that he had friends like you guys that cared for him. that you! and to the boy that wrote that letter to him. i posted something on his website a lot like the one that you wrote. if you would like to talk 2 me you can email me @ aries_1214@hotmail. ben i miss you a lot!!
ariel
i am yet, another cousin. at the age of 14 i really have never had a chance to know my cousin as well as others have, but i know he can only be perfect from the things i have heard. my eyes tear up at the thought of his death because i know he would have made a change in our world. i write about him, think about him, and cry about him. im amazed at how a person can bring so much emotion on me when i didnt even have the chance to really love him. let me close with the same thing i wrote about him in my notebook "i always thought death was meant for our elders who had already lived their lives and didn't want to go on, not for my perfect cousin with his whole life ahead of him. i guess i was wrong. . ."
your cousin that never had the chance to see how perfect you really are. . . Ellen
email- slowthinkins22@Yahoo.com
Dear Ben,
I was browsing the UCSD alumni website when I was shocked to hear about your passing on CRCA's website. I remember classes we took together as ICAM majors and having a special bond with you because we were some of the few artists who embraced technology. The last time I spoke to you was Spring of 2004 right before graduation. I remember you telling me about your work with Sheldon Brown on the CalIT2 project and expressing how proud I was of you and the great things you were going to accomplish.
mutiny33@yahoo.com
Ben was my nephew. I loved him. Uncle Bob
It's hard to believe that it's been only 8 months since Ben left us. Or is it that it has already been 8 months? Either way, when I think I about him, it still feels the same. That hurt and confusion doesn't go away, nor do my memories of him. I feel cheated in a way that I didn't see him much at the end. After high school, we all went our separate ways, and came together again once or twice a year to catch up. Our group dynamics depended as much on Ben as on anyone else, and there will always be a little something missing now. But I know that just the same, he will always be there with us.
Still thinking of you, Ben, and still missing you.
Kristelle:)
Awww!!!!!!! That's sweet!
i just found out today.
i am in tears.
i loved ben -- i lived with him....in san diego. we were also in the same major. (until i changed mine!) he was the most amazing person, the most amazing friend and roommate. and incredibly adorable.
eventually, i moved to los angeles and we still contacted eachother through phone and email.
--
a year and a half ago, my good friend here in los angeles, shirley, passed away. i have been grieving her death and i shut myself off from the world.
i avoided talking to my closest friends and i just became a hermit.
i wondered why he hadn't phoned or emailed in a while, but i let it go because i was so numb, and so i continued to ignore everything and everyone. fear or spreading my sadness to others?
at any rate, now i know why he did not contact me......
and without any mutual friends..
and this is breaking my heart.
i don't have the words.
i can't say enough how amazingly wonderful ben was. i have photos of him from san diego and i took video of him too. i am kind of scared to look at it though...
:sigh:
elissa
inmyredroom@hotmail.com
today's date: 5/2/2006
i found out today that ben is gone. i cried. he came to my high school in morocco for a year, and i had the biggest crush on him. my first crush, ben maggos. i sent him a valentines note anonymously and asked him to reply- and at this time he was dating another girl...! i used to watch him run , he was part of the track team. i am in shock, i am in bittersweet tears. i thought i was in love with ben... it was maybe two years ago where i decided to google people who i had once known and discovered that he was at UCSD doing magnificent work- what a pity for the world that he is gone, i read all your comments, i didnt know him too well, only dreamed of him, and one thing i remember: his smile use to light up my day. i wish you the best ben, a girl never forgets her first crush. youll never be forgotten
love, g.
I had the incredible privilege of hiking with Ben a few months before he died. We scaled Humphrey's Peak in Flagstaff, AZ together. The conversations we shared were amazing. He had so many questions. He'd been pondering so many things about purpose and life and matters of faith. I saw him again in Dec. of 04. A friend of ours in Phoenix made us a dinner...nay, a mexican banquet of historical proportions. It was incredible! We had such a great time. When the news came in January, I couldn't believe it. We had just hiked a mountain! I was with his parents during this time. I'd never witnessed nor experienced such depths of pain and anguish! Ben was deeply, deeply loved and appreciated by all who knew him. His character and his excellent qualities are a direct refelction of his incredible parents and loving sister.
I'm going to hike the same mountain again. Pray for me...that I may have the strength to finish. I've had a plaque made to honor Ben. It's my intent to leave it at the top...God willing!
I must admit, I'm looking forward to the day that Ben and I hike together again. Oh yes, we will hike together again. Only next time, it will be to the top of Mount Zion, to the city of GOD!
did a google search on my old buddy ben and i found you guys. gotta say i miss him tons. i hope you are all left with thoughts and memories as happy as mine. this is Tor from Vista. met ben at my old job at the country club. thanks ben for being the best man i think i've ever known. you are in my thoughts everyday. the heavens are blessed with your presence.
I was just looking up my old ICAM friend, Ben, from UCSD and found this page. We didn't keep in touch after we graduated, but almost four years later, I still have tears streaming down my face. He inspired me in my art, provoked me to think about deeper issues, and touched me with his friendship. I was so blessed to have him in my life, even if only for a little while. Whether it was a short stroll up to the Co-op for lunch, talking excitedly about our futures in 3D, or finding silly ways to calm our nerves before a presentation, I always loved your company Ben. You were a good man.
hey Ben.
its been 4 years to the date since your passing and i dont miss you any less. this is the first time that ive written anything about what happened and i thought that after all this time i would have figured out what to say... but alas, words are escaping me.
i am thankful for you for so many reasons. I am thankful that i have your family that has adopted me. I wish you could see Henry and Rosie. they are amazing children. Rachel and Jay have done well. It's hard not to be around Henry and not see you in him.
its amazing how often i see or hear something and i wish i could get your opinion on it. i know with all these technological advances, you would be giddy with the possibilities that are now available.
alright, i have much more to say to you, but i will leave that to another time. MISS YOU TERRIBLY.
shaun
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