Blue

How I feel right now... you can click on the image for a larger version.

New Beginnings...

I'm not really sure why I titled this post "New Beginnings". I just felt like it. I guess the summer is beginning. And so is the rest of my life. And I'm cool with that. So here it is, to new beginnings.

And I'm not really sure what I want to write about here... that's a new beginning too, since I'm usually full of things to BS about. Well, sometimes aimless streams of thought tend to be the best. When I was in elementary school, they had us all do some sort of an IQ test. I scored the best out of some group of kids (I want to say it was best out of the city, but later I met some girl that also claimed she had scored best out of the city so I'm not sure), and my friend that I always sat with scored the worst. The school psychologist saw both of us separately, and had us answer some more questions. He had me write 20 things I hate about school. When I started running out of ideas after about 10, he told be that what is left is the best part. So maybe now that I've run out of ideas on what to talk about, something good will come out.

That of course was a long time ago, and since then my IQ has suffered consistent abuse through various forms of brain damage. And I can really tell, you know? I think differently now, and I don't think it's only due to the difference in age. I don't think the way I think is any better or worse, it's just different. I can't focus very well any more. Unless I have fifty different things to think about, I can't think about anything. Well, women excluded... I never lost my capacity to get lost in a woman, and lose sight of everything else. Maybe that's why I like to do that so much, it's my only way of escape from the world.

Well, maybe not the only way. Sometimes I get lost in myself. Or with myself? I don't know. I've had some of the most fascinating conversations with myself. We come up with a lot of crazy ideas, I and I :-)...

Ahh, ideas... it's funny how people take ownership of ideas. Something so ephimeral, so unpalpable, so untracable, and yet we love to say "that was my idea!". So silly... one of the many human ways of desperately trying to grasp reality, as if we really have any fucking clue about what is going on.

You know what this might be a beginning of? Me sitting back, enjoying the ride, leaning into all the curves, and sticking my arms all the way out. Or have I been doing that all along? No, I think I've been worrying to much about whether the belt is safely tightened and the shoulder restraint is all the way down. Maybe it's time to forget about them.

On Unreachable Stars

The problem with chasing an unreachable star is not that you might never reach it. The problem is that you actually might, for a brief moment, get close enough to feel its warmth, and to try to close your fingers so you may touch it...

The star will then inevitably slip away, and propel itself further and further until you can't see it any more. And you'll be left trotting after the star, first in exhilaration, then in disbelief, and finally in despair, realizing you are all alone, without a clue about where you are going...

The worst thing is, you don't know whether you should continue after the star, knowing that it might be further away than it ever was before, or give up, and wonder whether anything will ever feel like the unreachable star that you almost reached...

Anyway, that's just some silly stuff that's been running around my brain :-) I am actually all done with the semester, and some other deadlines, and finally able to relax, and enjoy life. I had chinese food for lunch today, and the fortune said "You thrive on adventure. Do something new." For various reasons, that gave me a pretty good chuckle.

In any case, I wonder what this summer will bring. I suppose whatever it is, I won't be doing much worse than the guy I passed this morning, who was standing on the sidewalk and screaming at his shadow.